Home Sick

    I'm sure no one is reading this, but I feel the need to get some things out.
    Lately, I have been missing Israel so much that it hurts. I know that's weird to say when I was "only" there for four months. What right do I have as a tourist to say that I love a country so much that my heart aches? I don't know all the cons (nor all the pros) about Israel, but I feel at home there. I feel a sense of belonging. A sense of pride and hope. A feeling of happiness and a feeling of joy.
    What I feel about is Israel right now is not just a "I'll go back to Israel at some point" type of phenomenon where I'll go back in 30 years. This is a feeling so strong that if someone gave me 2000 dollars right now, I know exactly what I would do with it. I literally ache for the holy land. I'm not sure how long the honeymoon period is, but I know that it's at least four months so my emotions may just be a result of not being able to finish that.
    I think that this feeling has become stronger in the past few weeks because of the series of Jewish holidays that occurred over the past week: Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Rememberence Day), Yom HaZikron (Remberence of Fallen Soldiers), and finally Yom Ha'atzmaut (Israel Independence Day). These holidays have such an impact on Jews all across American that it must be an amazing experience to be in Israel when those holidays occurred.
    It also feels like I was never in Israel. I am forgetting a lot of my Hebrew because I am not exposed to it daily. I miss the smell of fresh hot pitas wafting through the air and every place that claims to be the best falafel in town.
    I have grown-up while abroad, but some of my friends who did not go abroad, well,  did not mature as much and sometimes as a result it is hard to talk to them. I don't care about the daily drama that happens everyday at college. I don't want to hear about who's not talking to who or who did what to who. Let's move on to something in the world that matters.
    In addition, many of my friends who I haven't seen in a almost a year are starting to come back from their experience and I feel that despite the fact that I went abroad that everyone forgot. Like my experience is undermined by theirs. I want to hear about their trip to London, Hawaii, or where ever it may be, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to talk about my trip.
    So, the thing to do now is start looking into programs for after college. I know my mom and dad won't be happy, but Israel is a place that has become a piece of my heart. I can't just let it be.
   
   

Back to the Grind

    After a nine-month vacation, I have this thing called, uh, school. Honestly I did so little work in Israel I almost forgot how to sit in class and take notes in a lecture of hundred people and have daily homework. Although, we had a snow day and half last week.
    Seeing everyone has been really nice. It makes you realize how much people like you and miss you. People who I have barely exchanged two words with came over and hugged me and asked about Israel. I feel like a freshman all over again, though. I mean sure I know my way around campus and I know how things work, but since a lot of my good friends went away for the semester, there aren't that many of my close friends around. Plus, there are a gazillion new faces and people who I never seen. When I went to the dining hall for the first time, it was a bit overwhelming. Of course, it didn't help that I went to the one way across campus and wouldn't recognize anyone anyway. When people ask me how Israel is I just say "awesome!!!" but that word doesn't encompass anything about Israel. I have found that people who have been to Israel or have been abroad understand my experience better. They tend to ask better questions after the "how was Israel?" part.
    I'm still on Israeli time meaning that time doesn't exist.  I haven't been late for class, yet, but I'm not fast-walking to class anymore nor am I constantly looking at my watch seeing how much time I have left. I'm also not looking at the clock so much in class, although I think that's just due to the fact that I had three hour classes in Hebrew and my longest one here is only two hours.
    The two things I majorly miss are real Hummus and Pita and waking up in Haifa and seeing the Mediterranean Sea as I walk to class. Instead, I wake up to door alarms, freezing snow, and the oh so wonderful smell of the dining hall.
    There's so much more I want to say, but it's hard to put it into words. It feels like I was never in Israel last semester while at the same time it is so obvious that I wasn't here. I've only been one for a month, but that time seems longer than a month in Israel. However since being in Israel, I feel that I can explain that Israeli-Palestinian conflict better than before. It is also really nice that when we talk about Israel in Hebrew class, I can picture the exact place. For example, we were talking about Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem and I could picture the exact location and I even know how to get there from the Old City. What's also really cool is that one of my friend's, who is a sophmore right now, wants to go to Haifa U. during the summer and wants to know everything about it so it's been fun explaining things to him, especially when I had the same worries, like food.
       I am so jealous of my friends in Israel right now because I wish I were there. But at the same time, I'm glad I'm not. All my umass friends that are there now are all at Hebrew U. They are not neccessarily best friends with each other, nut they do have one another to rely on. I'm glad that my experience was one of a kind. Not many people go to Haifa and the city is just so different from Jerusalem. (I also really don't like J'lem). I was the only person who had my experience from here. I made lots of friends, only a few of which I still talk to, but all in all, I'm glad I went when I did and where I did.

Home Sweet Home

    Sorry this has taken awhile to get up, but I've had issues with what and how to say some things, which I'll get to in a minute:
    I left Israel on the 6th very early in the morning after a really good weekend with my family, whom I never met before. I heard stories and names but finally seeing faces was good because now I know who these people are. My cousin waited with me in line for baggage security and we said good-bye after that. While waiting in line for regular security, I met up with someone on my program and we waited together for the flight home. The 12-hour flight wasn't too bad. There was someone next to me who went to Tufts so I had to ask him if he knew my brother and we ended up playing Jewish Geography, my favorite game ever, and we ended up talking for a bit at the beginning and the end of the flight.
    I have seen a few of my friends this week and talked to family and family friends. Everyone asks the same question: How was Israel. There is no way to answer that. How does "good" or "awesome" or "amazing" or even "once in a lifetime experience that I would never give up" begin to capture my experience. Sure, it was all those things, but it was also so much more. There is no way to describe being abroad. I can say how much I had fun and how I had a great time, but it doesn't explain the feeling of connection that I felt to Israel. It doesn't explain my view. It doesn't explain feelings for Israel. It doesn't explain my experience at all. I can tell you all these things, but in order for you to get a feeling of what I experienced, you yourself have to go abroad.
    Traveling in a foreign country is so much different than actually living there. Besides the fact that as a traveler you go to tourist places so people speak English, you know you don't belong there. You know that you will be leaving in a few days. You know that you don't have to assimilate there. Living there, even as a tourist, you need to learn the language a little bit. You need to know the culture and accept the practices. You need to try to assimilate into the culture. You can't live in Israel and keep American culture. You'll be miserable. You need to accept that there is no time and that everything is just so much more relaxed. You have to accept that it normalcy is getting your bag checked just to go food shopping. Or being scanned just to see a movie. When you do realize that these are all aspects of Israeli culture, it becomes normal to you and you are partly assimilated. The other part is becoming fluent in Hebrew.
    Although I did not become fluent, I learned a lot more than I realized. In September, I could understand about half of the Hebrew that I heard. When I went to my cousin's house, they speak very little English so I had to use Hebrew and I realized that I could understand most of what they were saying. I wish that my Hebrew class had smarter people and that we did more speaking instead of only grammar. Now that I'm home, I forget that I can speak English to people. I can say "go ahead" instead of mumbling weird noises and gestures. But I still forget that I can do that.  When I got to the airport it was a bit overwhelming to hear so much English. I mean sure all the international students spoke English, but there were only a few conversations going on at a time. In the airport while waiting for baggage, almost everyone was speaking English. But there were so many conversations going on at once that it was overwhelming. It felt like I was in a bubble for four months and within my bubble there were my friends who spoke with and there were a few air holes, the Hebrew that I understood. Leaving the plane, though, my bubble popped and I could hear and understand everyone again. I didn't have to put all my focus and attention into understanding the passport controller. He had no foreign accent when speaking to me. 
    Israel has at last became a place that I can relate with. After birthright, Israel was just a place that I finally been to after much hype, but it was still a lande that was far away and hard to feel connection with. But, I think after being there for four months and meeting people who live there and becoming friends, I have made a connection with Israel. It doesn't seem like a country that is across an ocean and half. I care about what is happening in Gaza and other issues. It's not like I didn't care, but it was this tiny country that you couldn't even find on a map. How are you supposed to feel patriotic about a place that you barely know? That's like being best friends with the President(-elect). Sure I know his name and heard all these things about him, but I've never met the guy. I feel that I need to be his best friend, though, because everyone says that he's such a nice guy. That's how I felt with Israel. I had to support Israel, not because I didn't believe in Her, but because, well, and I'm afraid to admit this, but because everyone else did. It was what I learned to be "the right thing". However, by studying and living in Israel I have become more passionate about Israel as a whole. I can defend Israel, I hope. 
    On a different note: I think going abroad gives you a chance to grow up. Sure college does the same thing, it's kind of the purpose, but I think that going to a different country and living on your own, not being able to rely on your familiars to help you makes you depend on yourself makes you grow up. With no one on my program that I knew, I had to step outside my comfort zone and take the chance at embarrassing myself and doing stupid things. I think that it was good that I didn't know anyone. There was no one to fall back on and I could be who I wanted. I think that as a result of all these things, I have changed since going abroad, I don't know if it's "more grown-up" change or "different" change. Either way, I did and I am proud of myself that I went to Israel for four months away from everything that I knew. I honestly thought I would get more homesick more often than I did, but I had so much fun that by the time I realized how much fun I was having, it was almost time to go home.

I hate that time passes so quickly when you're having fun...

I don't know if I will continue with this blog or not, but if I do, then I won't be writing as often. But stay posted!

The End is Near

    Classes ended today. After a week of two finals and a presentation (the most I have ever had here), the semester has come to an end. Yes. On New Years Day. Sylvester, as it is called in Israel, is not a big deal to anyone over the age of 30 and under the age of 15. It is a big party night, though, for those in between. The countdown to midnight was very anti-climactic. Being in Israel, the countdown was actually after midnight, but hey, it was close enough to count. I didn't get back too late, mostly because I had been up since before eight that morning and didn't sleep well.
    In Hebrew, my only class of the day, my teacher brought in Barekas with cheese and Tim-Tams, almost the best cookie in the world. My teacher also made us tea/coffee and using the Tim-Tam, you make a straw and suck the tea and because the tea is hot, the chocolate melts and becomes a delicious gooey mess. We were supposed to be watching a movie, but it was all in Hebrew and no one was awake enough to understand so we ended up talking and being sad about everyone leaving.
    I am leaving on Tuesday morning/Monday night...however you want to look at 1am. But I'm leaving Haifa on Sunday to visit some cousins. That means I have exactly two days to pack and clean and go! It doesn't seem like I will be home next weekend or that in just a few days I'll be in my own room with my own stuff. I am looking forward to going home for many reasons besides seeing family and friends:
1. hot shower whenever I want to shower
2. oven/stove
3. no pile of dishes in the sink for a week and then claiming they're not yours
4. baggers at the grocery store
5. I will be able to ask for what I want in the same language as the cashier
6. Internet in my room

But I will miss Israel. I love that:
1. time doesn't exist
2. lines don't exist
3. everything is in Hebrew
4. almost everyone is Jewish
5. until two weeks ago, the weather didn't get below partly cloudy and 50 farenheit

    I think that it is amazing that four months ago, I didn't know anyone here and now I have become best friends with many of them. The sad thing, however, is that I will probably never see any of my Danish or Hungarian friends again. I would love to go to those places, but when? Even some friends I have made that live in Arizona or California and don't go to school near me, I will probably never see again. I know you have to make an effort to keep in touch, but it's weird that after living with these people for four months, I won't see again. With facebook and IM it's easier to keep in touch, but once school starts and you get busy at home, there are only a few people that you actually stay in touch with.
    Tomorrow is the last Shabbat Service and I have to pack. See you when I get back to the US! It's gonna be a lovely 12 hour flight...




   

"...And While the Sea is Boiling Hot and Whether Pigs have Wings."

    This is now part 3 three, but I had to finish the poem!!
    Most of you know that the cease-fire with Gaza ended a few days ago. For those of you didn't, there was a cease-fire with Gaza. Israel wanted them to stop shooting rockets into settlements so they stopped for about a year and it ended last week and it has gotten really bad. There have been attacks in Ashkelon, in Be'er Sheva a few hours ago, and Ashdod. All the places are south of me. Very south, beyond Jerusalem.
    I know my family is nervous about my safety, but honestly I feel that it's different when you are actually here. When I am in the US, it's hard for me to understand why you would live in a war zone and although Haifa is not a "war zone" per se, rockets are going off only a few hours away. That's like 9/11 everyday. Maybe not AS dramatic, but close. At home, it's hard to connect to a place that an ocean and thensome away. It's to foreign to feel any true emotion. I do feel bad for the soldiers who have to go and fight. But actually seeing these 18 year olds holding a gun. Or knowing that my friend's roommate's boyfriend is going to be stationed in Gaza is a bit nerve racking. As my friend in Israel says, everyone know someone. Despite this, I personally do not feel unsafe. I am not worrying about Haifa being hit at this moment. I might feel differently if the attacks were going on in, say, Akko, which only forty five minutes from here. It's hard to explain why it's different here. In my Psychology of Conflict class we talked about how we felt about our safety and I was trying to explain this and it did not come out well. (On a side note, my English has gotten so bad. I realized today that I was saying "um" in the places that Israelis say "um" and I can't think of the right words anymore). Another thing that is kind of unrelated is that to get anywhere you have to ride the bus. Everyone rides the buses. Public transporatation is used so much more here than in the United States. So when riding a bus in Jerusalem, you don't think about the "what ifs". Riding the bus is another part of your everyday life.
    I think that the point of this post to reassure my friends coming here. If Israel were that unsafe, they wouldn't let you come. The university does a good job in looking out for your safety. (Shaina, you can tell your mom that). But honestly the whole atmosphere is different in Israel than in the US.
    And another thing, the Boston Globe says that over 360 Palestinains have been killed. What they don't mention is that most of those are Hamas followers and terrorists themselves.

"...Of Ships and Shoes and Sealing Wax, of Cabbages and Kings..." (Part 2)

    The first day I was here, one of my friends told us a piece of advice that one of her friends told her. I think that it is something that all my friends who are going abroad for the Spring should abide by or at the very least just think about. She said: "Not everyday has to be a great experience. You are going to have bad days." It's not that this helped me, but when I had a bad day, I would look back on this phrase. Going into the program, I was terrified about basically everything. Cooking my food. Finding places to get food. Not knowing anyone in the country. My friend told us this the first day we were in Haifa and she was right. You have to accept that not everyday has to be a day where you have to do something amazing. There are going to be bad days where you wonder why you chose to go so far away from home. Or why you picked a country where you can barely ask where the bathroom is. Or just wish to go home because you are homesick. Of course I had all these thoughts, but I also had some experiences that I would never give up. I learned to cook my own food. I went to a different country by myself (ie no parents). I met people from all over the world: From Canada to Denmark to the Marshall Islands. These things that I have encountered and learned formed my amazing time here. I would never give up this experience. How often do you get to live in a different country/culture for three and half months?    
    The big change I have found in myself is that I am more confident about everything. I think that if you are in a place where few people speak your language, you have to gain the confidence to ask people what you want in a foreign language. I am more willing to go up to strangers and ask them stupid questions, like how to get a train ticket. I am also more confident in using my Hebrew. Sure my grammar and gender usage is probably wrong, but how else are you going to learn it if you don't השתמש עברית (use Hebrew)? I am also more talkative in class, but I think that's because my teacher wants us to think a certain way and for some of the topics that we talk about, I just can't imagine it. (For example suicide bombing, although for this topic I could try to see the other point of view). But besides the specific class that I'm talking about, I think that I'm more opinionated about certain topics. I feel that I can argue better against my brother, who has an argument for everything. I am also more confident in my cooking. The first week I was here I didn't know how to cook or even what to make. I think part of that, though, was because I was in Federman where the kitchen is the size of the closet at school. That's not an exaggeration. I am proud of myself for cooking dinner every night. I had real food and left overs. I am even willing to make dinner when I get home. (I say that now...)
    I have also learned many non-academic things. The main thing being how my mom goes to the grocery store everyday and spends so much money. I never understood this, but buying food for myself, I have found that I have to go everyday, because somethings just don't last that long or I just forget to buy it the day before. There is also easy access to food because the mini-mart and right across from the dorms. I have also learned that in order to learn your way around a place, you have to actually go out and explore. That seems so obvious, but the exploration is more than taking a bus down and walking around a mall for a few hours. It is walking around by looking at a map in order to figure out how the heck you ended up where you did and how the heck you are going to get back. You don't actually know a place until you have been there during both the day and the night. It looks different at different points in the day and in order to learn the city, you have to know both the nighttime and the daytime life of the city. I have also learned that I really like teaching English. As frustrating as it was to teach the letters for two months and get no where, I liked doing it. Maybe it will be something I look into as a career. I don't know what else I want to do...
    Now that I have been in Israel for three months, it is natural to open up my bag for the security guard when I enter a restaurant or to walk through a metal detector to go to the mall. Or to see blobs of green on the bus going home for the weekend. (That would be the Israeli soldiers). The one thing that I have gotten used that is a little bit scary is that the soldiers carry these huge guns. I don't know if they are loaded, I'm assuming not because they are in a public place and don't want it to go off by accident, but seeing these long black metal things is just part of the everyday life that Israelis do in order to survive. How often do you see a soldier in uniform carrying their gun? The scary thing about the whole thing is that most of these soldiers are younger than us. (For those of you who don't know, Israel has a draft for the army at the age of 18. Girls serve for two years and boys for three). Except some of the soldiers don't look older than twelve and seeing them hold guns is a bit frightening.
    I have ten days left in Israel...how does time go so fast? Ten days is the length of time of birthright and it seemed like a normal ten days, but I know that this coming week will just zoom by and before I know it, I'll be on a plane back home. Home.

"The Time Has Come," The Walrus Said. "To Talk of Many Things..." (Part 1)

With less than two weeks left, I feel that it is time for a reflection:
       I was so nervous about coming here because I felt that no one ever told me anything about living situations or about my classes or if I even got in. But I have learned that they really did do everything Israeli style. From little things such as emailing me about getting my stuff (ie transcript, health insurance) to bigger things like, well if I was accepted. I have learned to accept the Israeli style of things and I like the way it's done. No one worries about anything and the attitude is "when it gets done, it gets done." Israel is such a relaxed country. When you look around the streets, no one is rushing to get to work (or class). When you get to class, you get to class. If you're late, you're late. I like this not worrying about being late. I don't have to rush in the morning to get dressed or rush back from my food shopping spree. If I get to class a few minutes late, it's ok. 
    I really just love almost everything about Israeli culture. Everything about it is due to the relaxed atmosphere. There are no lines. Just clumps. Getting onto a bus requires pushing and cutting in line. Waiting in "line" at the supermarket requires cutting people so that you can get to the front. Buying something from the vending machine requires more cutting. Going through security requires elbowing and swimming toward the detectors. Basically, as long I say "Slichah" (excuse me, sorry) and push, I'm socially accepted.
    I also love how there is no time here. I mentioned class, but there is also the bus schedule. If the bus is supposed to show up at 7:30, it'll show up at 8. If the Madrichim are putting on an event, they'll say one time but mean another. All of my friends have assimilated into using Israeli time meaning that if we're going to have dinner or watch a movie, the time we start is usually an hour or two after what is said. Unlike when this happens back home, it's not annoying. It's part of what Israel is about.
    I think my favorite part about Israel, though is that the majority of the population is Jewish. Hebrew is used in the classroom as part of a lesson. In America if you used the Ethopian language of Amharic, for example, as part of a lesson (that wasn't related to Ethiopia), everyone would have confused looks on their faces. They would be thinking what are those random symbols on the board? Also, if you go to the Shuk on a Friday, it is more than likely that you will be thanked with a  "Shabbat Shalom". Everyone just assumes you're Jewish. It is nice being in a country where you can say the "CH" in Chanukkah or Chummus. I have gotten so used to saying "Chummus" (instead of the English pronunciation of "HA-mis") that when I realized that that's what I say, I decided that it sounds strange to my ears to say it the American way. It's just not right. Since it's Chanukkah now, there are chanukiot everywhere and each day a new "candle" is lit. Every bakery and supermarket sells Soufganiot (jelly doughnuts) and Livivot (latkes, potato pancakes). There are very few signs of Christmas around. There are a couple of small decorated trees in the windows, but that's about it. I haven't listened to the radio since September, but I'm pretty sure that Christmas music isn't playing 24/7. It's not that I'm against all the decorations, it's just that I like being in a country where my religion is celebrated. Where my religion is the national one.
    Since it is Christmas this week, my psychology class was moved a day forward. There are seven people in my class, five of whom are Jewish. A few weeks ago, one of the non-Jews asked my teacher if he could move the class from the 24th to an earlier time in the week. The reason she for this, she said, was because it was Christmas Eve and she wanted to go to mass. Understandable. However, all the Jews stood up and were like "What do you think we have to do on Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur and pretty much anytime we want to celebrate a holiday?" We can't miss class, but we don't have a choice. The thing is, it's not that I didn't want the professor to not change the date, but it was the principle. I mean, you are coming to Israel knowing that it celebrates Jewish holidays. I wouldn't go to say India and expect a class to be changed because I have to celebrate a holiday. I would expect to miss class, or whatever my commitment was and find a way to celebrate. I don't know if this is something that I think is an automatic response because it's what I do anyway or if is something that most people would do.
    The difference that I find between Israelis and everyone is else, is that they are so OCD about only one thing. One of my roommates is obsessed with keeping things tidy, which isn't that hard and another one of my roommates is very anal about NOT washing dishes. She won't clean up after herself. I'm not sure why OCD hasn't said anything. I can't stand it. It's my turn to clean this week, but if the sink is piled with pots and dishes, it's not getting done. That is my one pet peeve. I cannot stand dishes piled in the sink. I can stand a few here and there, but when I have to wash out a plate and a fork because there are no clean plates, it's kind of ridiculous. This roommate is also OCD about the hot water. It can only be on at certain times which is why me and the other international roommates end up taking cold showers half the time.
Ok, enough ranting. More reflection later.